Yoga and Estrangement

It was family day recently here in British Columbia and it had me thinking about Yoga and estrangement. On the surface these two concepts may seem like contrasting topics, but I think there is a very interesting intersection between the two. As many of you who have experienced estrangement, know it can be painful and isolating. Coming from a long line of folks who “communicate” in this way, I know what if feels like to be on the receiving end of an alienating event. Now, I’m not naive enough to think that sometimes for some people creating separation is a necessary act, especially (but not limited to) if there has been some violence perpetrated. For many others though, the behaviour of freezing someone out and becoming “a stranger” is a choice that is made when there is a lack of skills or simply the inability or desire to express some hurt or anger. This is where things can get messy.

I firmly believe that many of us (whether we want to admit it or not) hold the deep belief the person “responsible” for the pain knows exactly what they’ve done and will see the error of their ways sooner or later. News flash beautiful people, respectfully: they don’t! And because we are seduced by a good plot line that includes a villain archetype at the core, when the apology doesn’t come, this fits perfectly with the narrative. It’s an age-old story. For some reason (that I still can’t really understand) many people need an enemy, and something to fight against.

I have heard it said that “putting loved ones in the chill box, shutting down and not responding to them is highly unskilled and emotionally primitive.”  At the very least this behaviour is passive aggressive and at the very worst, it’s narcissistic behaviour. I want to be clear; I don’t think that most people fall into the actual clinical definition of narcissism. I think that word is thrown around way too much these days (but I digress.) I do, however, think it’s a “power grab” of sorts brought on by feelings of deep hurt. It’s a way to regain some agency and control when there is a feeling of groundlessness. I suspect we’ve all been there at one time or another.

The longer we dig our heals in, the more difficult it becomes to resolve the issue. Unfortunately, this can and does in many cases goes on for years. When my teacher Baba Hari Dass was asked “how can we resolve conflict?” He offered a very practical solution “we can resolve conflicts through honest talks.”  While it may seem simple on the surface, it requires openness, honesty, the laying down of “arms” and egos. If you are committed to being “right” this will be a tough to say the least.

Whether it’s estrangement from family, friends, or even society, feelings of disconnect and loneliness can deeply affect one’s sense of self. In these times, Yoga can provide not just physical relief but also emotional relief and even healing. If we choose to take the mission, the practice of Yoga can help one process estrangement and move toward reconnection, first with oneself, and then with others.

I realize this may be nothing new to many of you, but some common causes of estrangement range from a simple misunderstanding to unresolved conflicts and trauma. Similarly, the emotional toll can result in dysregulated nervous systems, feelings of loneliness, anxiety, sadness, and in serious cases a loss of identity. If you find that this is your experience or recognize this pattern in yourself, it may be time to do some self reflection either through a contemplative practice or with the help of a therapist.

Here are some ways and practices that Yoga may help to process your experience of estrangement:

1. Self-Awareness and Mindfulness: Yoga teaches mindfulness. Being present in the moment can help individuals become more aware of their emotions. This awareness may also allow a space to reflect on one’s own behaviour that contributed to the estrangement. This awareness can be the first step toward healing emotional wounds caused by estrangement.
2. Connecting with the Body: When estranged, there’s often feeling of disconnect, not only from others but also from oneself. Yoga brings people back into our bodies, helping us feel grounded and in tune with our own physical and emotional states. This practice fosters a sense of wholeness.
3. Healing the Heart: Certain yoga poses are thought to assist in opening the energy centre that is heart chakra (e.g., backbends like Camel Pose or Cobra), promoting emotional release and the ability to forgive both oneself and others. This emotional openness can be key in mending relationships or letting go of bitterness.
4. Stress Reduction and Emotional Regulation: Estrangement can be a constant source of stress. While you may be out in the world living life, the emotional impact is always lurking around in the background. Yoga and specifically practices like pranayama (breathing exercises) and meditation, helps regulate the nervous system, calming the mind and easing emotional tension.
5. Inner Peace and Self-Acceptance: As you become more attuned to your own needs through yoga, you may also experience increased self-acceptance and peace. This can lead to less dependence on external validation and more comfort in being alone, breaking free from the isolation often associated with estrangement.

Practical Yoga Practices to Reset the Nervous System:

• Restorative Yoga: Gentle poses with deep relaxation, perfect for those feeling emotionally drained by estrangement.
• Meditation & Journaling: Guided meditation to let go of past hurts, and journaling to process emotions. This can be an effective combination to cultivate understanding and healing.
• Heart-Opening Poses: As mentioned above, poses like Camel, Bridge, and Fish to help release emotional tension in the chest.
• Pranayama (Breathwork): Breathing exercises like Ujjayi (victorious breath) or Nadi Shodhana (alternate nostril breathing) can soothe the mind and reset the nervous system.

While yoga can help heal the pain of disconnect from estrangement, it can also help rebuild connections. As you develop a stronger sense of self and inner peace, your relationships with others might begin to transform, allowing space for healing in your social and familial network. Estrangement doesn’t have to be the end of connection; it can be an opportunity for deep personal growth. Through Yoga, we can reconnect with ourselves, heal emotional wounds, and eventually rebuild our relationships from a place of greater understanding and acceptance. A Yoga practice can enable us to deeply transform the pain of estrangement and heal the heart of suffering. It takes vulnerability but can provide us with tools to truly understand ourselves and get closer to understanding others so we can return to living in the heart of compassion and love. At the end of the day, I think Rumi said it best “out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.”